If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
