Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
