Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Did I show you my penis last night?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize