I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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