I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
