My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
