I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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