3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize