I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
