i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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