hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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