12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i wish my penis had a tongue
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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