What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
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