Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Who died my cat blue again?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
