Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
