theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
