Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
