I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
