I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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