Are my feet made of real feet?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
