I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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