My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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