A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
farters have to be the big spoon...
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
