8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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