I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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