you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
