the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize
