How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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