My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize