I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
so let's talk penis.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
the liver wants what the liver wants
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
