if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
