My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
