i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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