I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
