She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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