It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
