The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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