you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
