Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
