there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
