why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
