Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
