I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Randomize
