he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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