It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
