Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
