I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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