I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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