Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
