I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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