Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
