Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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