Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
