I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
