my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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