I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
the day after is always just damage control
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
