please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
