Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
