There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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