i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
